The Stress of Being the Sole Breadwinner
How to Have Thoughtful Conversations with a Significant Other
Making more money in a relationship may sound good. It can give someone a sense of pride and accomplishment, but making the only money can ring a bit differently. Being the breadwinner in a relationship isn’t a never-ending procession of gold medals and cheering crowds. On the contrary, bearing this financial load can create anxiety and stress and lead to everything from self-destructive behaviors to regret and resentment. Depending on the gender, the emotions can sway across the spectrum, but either way, being the sole breadwinner isn’t the idyllic image ’90s-era-prime-time sitcoms tried to sell the world.
Typically, the breadwinner is defined as the person in the household who makes the majority of the income and is thus primarily responsible for the family’s financial health. In this case, the focus is on the sole provider, an important distinction because a breadwinner who makes more is assumed to be well-to-do. Still, someone can be the sole provider and be in the lower income strata, struggling incredibly. The stress in these two worlds is galaxies apart.
A study from the University of Connecticut found that when men carry the lion’s share of the financial responsibility in their marriage, they feel an intense strain on their well-being and health. When those same men were the sole breadwinner, their psychological and physical health outcomes were at their absolute worst. In the same study, women actually felt a sense of pride when they made more money and had more financial duties.
Christin Munsch, one of the study’s authors, noted that this difference could be due to the obligation being seen as more of a choice or rarity than the societal edict often applied to men. The traditional gender roles for heterosexual couples create a gauntlet of boobie traps and slings that couples struggle to navigate. Regarding female breadwinners, she highlights, “Should they fail to maintain this status, however, they have less to lose” than men in the same position because they aren’t subject to the same expectations. Although this dynamic can work in reverse, where women who enjoy traditional gender roles but are the breadwinners commonly experience resentment towards their partners, a survey from 2015 showed that the majority of Americans, regardless of gender, still prefer men to be the breadwinners. The precarity of gender roles.
A survey from 2015 showed that the majority of Americans, regardless of gender, still prefer men to be the breadwinners.
Regardless of gender, when there is a sole breadwinner, there is additional stress, which can lead to conflict and tension. Keep these four critical keys in mind to avoid unnecessary resentment, anger, and arguments.
Open Communication. Couples should express themselves whenever there are issues or any negative feelings. More importantly, before any negativity arises, couples should discuss their perspectives and expectations regarding finances, housework, downtime, together time, etc. The key is to be honest, talk freely, and listen actively, without judgment, and seek to understand each other’s perspective.
Planning. Whether someone being a sole provider is a permanent state or a temporary necessity, a classic rule of success is to have a vision for the future and to make a plan (even if having only one income earner itself wasn’t planned!). Consider creating a budget together, setting clear financial goals, and exploring ways to share the economic and other household responsibilities in a way that satisfies everyone. Remember, it’s not about keeping score or assigning blame but rather about working together as a team to achieve shared goals.
Partnership. Couples shouldn’t consist of two individuals working independently to navigate the intricacies of a single income but should instead function as two people with mutual love and respect working together in a partnership toward a common set of goals. Every partnership will look and function differently, but the goal is to create a plan, work it together, and adjust it as necessary.
Respect. Above all else, for any relationship, partnership, or strategy to be successful, there must be respect. The sole provider must respect their counterpart’s contribution and vice versa. When respect, empathy, and consideration are absent, the relationship crumbles.
Ultimately, being the sole breadwinner in a relationship is not always easy. Still, with open communication, mutual respect, and a healthy dose of humor, couples can navigate the ups and downs together.
