Stress of Blending Families: Syncing Strategies with Your Partner for Success
Three Essential Steps for Blended Families
Sometimes, when you find a new love – you also find a new family. The current divorce rate is around 50%, but that doesn’t mean those who go through a divorce stop trying to find love again. And sometimes in these relationships that didn’t work, you have children. And naturally, when attempting to find a new forever love, you may find that a new partner also has children. This combination is commonly called a blended family. A blended family is when two people from previous relationships come together and bring a child or children from previous relationships into a new family dynamic. The combination of different parents and children is the blend.
Working through the baggage of the past loves to find a new balance that works for both partners is one thing, but when you add children to the equation, that balance can be exponentially harder to find. Since we are talking about marriage, we are talking about forever, and below are three tips to blend that new family better.
Vision. Expectations are important for a blended family, but what’s more important is a vision for the relationship and the family. Get together and ask yourselves a few essential questions.
What do we want for the family? Is it to be completely blended, meaning that it will act like a fully connected family? Or do we just want to coexist in a peaceful and respectful way? How do we want this family to interact? Do we prioritize authentic togetherness or strive for respectful cohabitation?
Every member of the blended family brings their own unique expectations, traditions, and norms to the table. Take the time to discuss and establish clear expectations for roles, responsibilities, and rules within the family. This will help minimize misunderstandings and conflicts down the road.
Communication. Just like a successful recipe, communication is the secret sauce to a blended family. Encourage open, honest, and respectful communication among all family members. Sometimes the different styles of rearing children or interacting with one another don’t mesh. Remember, you are from different families and the inherent differences may clash, so the same way there’s an adjustment period for romantic relationships, allow that for the family members too. Create a safe space where everyone feels heard and valued, and don’t be afraid to have difficult conversations.
Level set. This is a hard one. Two families coming together means that there are probably two totally different sets of rules that need to become one. One of the main issues that arises within blended families is the fact that the children have lived under specific rules that they are accustomed to, and those rules are now changing. First work with your partner to determine a fair set of rules and then deliver that to the children. The front has to be united or there will be division within the family.
To improve the likelihood of success, here are a couple of pointers to consider:
Age Differences. Blended families typically work, or at least have the potential to work, when the children in the families are of a similar age – where the age gap isn’t too far. But if the families have children of significantly different ages OR the children are older (16 to 18 years or older), you’ll want to temper your expectations. Younger children may want to develop new relationships, but older children who have already established their lives may not t have that same desire.
Make it okay to love. If all the stars align, the partners connect, and the children connect with the new parents, the children may feel conflicted about forming a bond with someone outside their biological parents. This is actually a good problem. Sometimes, it takes tears and years to create a new bond. This is where healthy co-parenting comes into play because it will take all the parents to cultivate an environment where the children feel free to grow this new parental relationship.
Don’t force anything. This is not prison. New stepparents should not feel the need to come into a new home and “lay down the law.” It’s not uncommon for new parents to want to assert themselves and assume the role of adult and parent, but forcing rules or a new dynamic will only create dysfunction. Imposing your will doesn’t create a connection; it disconnects. Honestly, the best advice is to figure out what works best for your situation, dynamic, and your family. A good rule of thumb is to become whatever type of stepparent your new partner’s children need you to be. For example, if their other biological parent is still actively involved in their lives, they don’t need you to play that type of role, so learn what they do need. Watch and listen, and let that help you find your way. But if you don’t know where to start, incorporating these tips into your blended family journey can help create a healthy, happy, and harmonious home where everyone feels loved, supported, and valued. A family that feels comfortable, happy, and whole is the exact definition of blended.
