Online Male Self-Improvement Content Can Sometimes be a Load of Crap
Read This Before You Watch Those Alpha Male Videos
Since the dawn of humanity, men have been looking for ways to improve themselves. At first, they looked to improve in primitive ways like hunting and mating. Still, as society developed, men attempted to learn how to improve their leadership, politics, body aesthetics, and contributions to the arts.
The modern day is no different, but now, with much of the gender dynamics shifting both in public conversation and within many households, men are turning to social media and online communities in search of masculinity and other forms of male self-improvement. While this sounds good in concept, there isn’t a balanced take on what improvement could or should look like, and what it devolves into is more toxicity–but with a handsome, bearded exterior.
Much of the ’90s was women-centered, whether personal advice from magazines like Cosmopolitan or relationship books like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and The Five Love Languages, both released in 1992. Since women are the largest consumer group, they naturally get the marketing, but this left men feeling left out until the early 2000s when books like The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists set the market on fire. Although this book became a manual on how to get women and was targeted to young, single men, it created the market and set the trend for books and subsequent online communities that were created exclusively for men.
Content and improvement for men sound good in theory, but it quickly spiraled out of control, turning into a living, breathing Petri dish of problematic ways of thinking. The majority of them were born in direct response to the rising feminist movements, but were directly opposite to any movement sincerely intended to improve men and highlighted ideas that focused on being an Alpha Male or a High-Value Man.
But not everything in male self-improvement has been hijacked. The popularity of men participating in therapy and self-expression, learning about philosophy, and engaging in meditation and mindfulness is incredible. There is more care for the body with health and wellness communities that center diet and exercise in many different forms. And there are a growing number of men in the public eye who are courageously sharing that they’ve sought professional help to become more in touch with who they are, what’s important to them, and how to balance their work, their public status, and their personal lives.
For men to find balance in their pursuits of masculinity and self-improvement, they need to remember these four things:
What is driving their quest? Are they driven from a place of lack? Sometimes, when we are driven to improve because of a deficiency, that becomes a negative driver, moving us from one extreme to the opposite. Imagine if someone found it difficult to date during their adult years and wasn’t treated the best by women. They may pursue ways to attract women not because of a desire to build fulfilling, healthy relationships, but to “get back at them,” similar to a villain’s origin story driven by revenge.
Remember that it is social media. Exploring social media often means traveling down various rabbit holes that lead to entirely new digital worlds. With the advent of the algorithm, those rabbit holes become funnels into extreme, concentrated universes that can capture us and never let us go. If you don’t remind yourself to look at different (even opposite) content periodically, you may become so biased by a certain view or so distorted and compromised that it’ll take something tantamount to an intervention or an internet detox to recover.
Remember that it is an industry. Many of these communities are meant to serve people, but with the rise of social media influencers and content creators, there is a lot of room to make money, and noble purpose and fistfuls of money rarely mix. Many of the Instagram and YouTube channels aim to make money. That means they will traffic in the most extreme opinions and content (whether they believe it or not) that gets clicks and views, or they may be trying to sell high-ticket courses, programs, coaching, or other products.
Don’t let it consume you or become your identity. Learning new things and improving yourself is exciting but take care not to become so obsessed that it completely consumes you and becomes your identity. A modern take on an old joke could go something like this: “A vegan, a cross fitter, and crypto investor walk into a bar…and I know because they all told me within two minutes.” Don’t let your interests and ideals become all you are and all you talk about. It makes you a two-dimensional caricature and is generally annoying to those around you. To borrow a stoic quote, “Don’t speak your philosophy, embody it.”
This simple system of checks and balances will allow you to engage with these spaces and ideas without losing the sense of nuance, which most of the sources lack. Many top influencers end up selling men on a flat, cookie-cutter model of manhood that ultimately strips us of our uniqueness and individuality. This process of exploration and discovery is meant to improve – meaning to improve upon and value what is already there – while striving to become a better version of yourself, not a different self altogether.
Improvement is fantastic. Looking online for resources, information, and community is wonderful. But remember that extremes quickly become destructive, and balance is critical to everything, even self-improvement.
