How to Manage NOT Being the Breadwinner
For many men, being the breadwinner is the goal, something to take pride in. And in some respects—and more so among certain age groups—it’s also a societal expectation. Being the breadwinner, making the money, being the provider is possibly the definitive tenet of “manhood” as defined by some. A man’s self-image can be based on it, as well as how he’s viewed by his partner, his children, and the world around him. But today, it differs from when the male being the breadwinner was the norm. Wages remain stagnant, the cost of living continues to soar, and technology is making the job market incredibly volatile. And when you include the incredible strides women have been making academically and economically along with the growing number of stay-at-home dads, many of the gendered societal norms have been flipped on their heads.
So, against this backdrop, what do you do when, as a male, you are not the breadwinner?
Start With Self-Reflection. Engage in self-exploration to understand any underlying concerns or fears you have about not being either the sole or the main income earner. Evaluate the origins from where any insecurities may derive. Is it a childhood example of a man that you now feel you’re not maintaining or successfully achieving? Is it society or social media that defines your ideals of manhood?
Self-reflection is the first and most critical step in managing emotions and the mental confusion that can occur when you feel you aren’t what or who you should be, and figuring out where those thoughts come from is crucial.
To help begin the process of understanding these thoughts, consider enrolling in therapy, finding a men’s group, or tapping into your community of connections like family and friends. Talking, working out ideas, and finding perspective and guidance from others can save you from falling into the spiral of getting lost in your own head, engaging in self-destructive behaviors, or even depression. It’s a personal preference as to which of those options, and in which priority order, you consider as part of your process.
Redefine Success. Create your own definitions of success and manhood or masculinity that fit your situation. Prioritizing money as the primary definer not only closes your eyes to the many other necessary and valuable ways a man shows up and provides for his partner or family, and that hyper-focus can be harmful to your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Is a successful man/partner/father the one who paid for everything but was always away? Or is he the one whose children have fond memories of quality time spent together and life lessons taught? These are choices and are for the man and his partner to figure out together.
Honest Conversations. This is the hard part. A man in a relationship needs to sit down with his partner and reflect together. As much as society claims to want to break traditional gendered norms, Pew Research reports, “Roughly seven-in-ten adults (71%) say it is very important for a man to be able to support a family financially in order to be a good husband or partner.” It’s the couple’s duty to discuss how important the man being the main or only breadwinner is. For some, there is flexibility, but for others, it’s a dealbreaker.
Work Together. Remember that a relationship is supposed to be a partnership; by its very design you are supposed to work together. During your reflective and honest conversations, focus on understanding why there’s a difference in earnings. Is it a job loss? Does the other partner have a higher level of education or a more specialized skill? Or is there another cause such as a lack of career mobility? Break down the reasons to understand the cause for the disparity in earnings and what, if anything, could or should be done to narrow the gap.
Also, ensure that the house and family duties are split as evenly as is practical. Pew Research also reported that although women are making more money now than in the past, they still do the brunt of the housework. This is definitely a tradition that can be broken if both partners are willing.
Strategize Together. Create a plan for your budget, household chores, and career growth, and create a framework where each partner’s contributions, financial or otherwise, are acknowledged, valued, and regularly appreciated.
If a man and his partner determine that he wants to be the breadwinner and provide more, that’s okay, or if it’s the reverse, that’s just as good. And if it’s a more modern example where the man exits the workforce to become a stay-at-home dad, that’s perfectly fine too. The point is that it’s a shared vision with a shared set of goals accompanied by open appreciation for what each partner is contributing, financially, emotionally, and domestically. Both need to share in developing and carrying out the plan that will help make the shared goals a reality; and both need to demonstrate commitment when the going inevitably gets tough. This could mean allowing for a certain amount of time for a career change, especially if it’s one that requires additional education, certifications, or experience (like real estate or IT, etc.) and working out a sharing of expenses and domestic chores until the goal is reached. It also means learning the kinds of emotional support the other partner needs as you conquer the ups and downs together.
The key to success is flexibility, open and honest conversation, and shared goal setting. For a man to manage a new relationship or household dynamic, he must be flexible with his ideals and perspective. For a couple and family to survive and achieve longevity, they must also learn to adapt. Survival of any kind requires adaptability. Any organism that cannot change over time will eventually die out. The same goes for relationships. Being overly rigid and fixed in a set of ways or thinking is not a sign of strength. It means that when something or someone presents a challenge, adds excessive weight, or moves in a different or unexpected direction, the relationship won’t stand tall; it will break.
