Emotional Intelligence – What’s Behind Your Words
You may love your partner, but if you can’t communicate properly, there’s a 65% chance that your loving relationship will fail. Communication is more than just talking; it’s the emotional intelligence (EI), or emotional quotient (EQ), to discern the appropriate words to use, how to express yourself, how to be sincerely empathetic, and how to recognize and regulate your emotions. Possessing a high EI and EQ is like when Neo in The Matrix realized he was the one and could slow down time and maneuver through the world with confidence. Emotional intelligence won’t give you the power to dodge bullets, but it may give you the power to dodge unnecessary conflict.
What is emotional intelligence?
Psychology Today describes emotional intelligence as a combination of the following skills:
- Awareness of our emotions and acceptance of them
- The ability to manage them when they are strong or overwhelming
- The ability to communicate effectively, both verbally and non-verbally, despite the presence of strong or overwhelming emotions.
What combines these three attributes and is an often-overlooked element in emotional intelligence is word usage – what we say exactly. A typical social media proverb is “words mean things,” which speaks to the fact that it’s common for people to engage in heated conversation using either the wrong words or extreme language. So, everyone is passionate at a 9 or 10, going back and forth in conversation, but no one is communicating because the words that are being used might not accurately convey the emotions that are being felt.
The importance of nuance in emotional intelligence
The beautiful soul, Robin Williams, poetically described the utility of proper word usage in is role in Dead Poets Society –
“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays.”
Although this passage refers to literature, it also extends to interpersonal communication. Understanding the role of nuance will keep conversations constructive, foster understanding, and strengthen relationships. There are many tools at your disposal to gain a better EQ and learn about verbal expression: books, self-assessments, and therapists.
One of the primary roles of a couple’s therapist is being a translator. They help couples understand one another. When we’re in conflict with someone, we easily get caught up in our own perspectives and emotions, disregarding the other side, and can no longer see ourselves. So, when one person is only able to express anger – they made me angry, I’m mad – the therapist may recognize that anger is rooted in hurt, shame, or abandonment, which are drastically different and convey a different message and experience.
How to express yourself better to foster better relationships and remove misunderstanding and conflict
Self-awareness. Work on mindfulness and understanding yourself and how you feel in the moment. Evaluate those feelings, investigate them, see what they mean, and where they come from. Most importantly, be honest with yourself.
Research. A little learning never hurt anyone. Read books on emotional intelligence, self-discovery, mindfulness, effective communication, and even stories with heavy dialogue. There is no one way or one universally right way, but the best way is always the one you’re most connected to. Some people like direct academic study, while others prefer indirect, creative ways where they learn from observing interactions.
Practice. Go out in the world and try what you’ve learned. If you ever need to express yourself or engage in a conversation in which you want to be constructive, use the tools and forms of expression you’ve learned. If you’re nervous, a great tip is to plan your conversation. Write out what you feel, why you feel that way, and what you want to convey, and go over it a few times to ensure you’re as accurate in your expression as possible. Over time, it will become more natural.
Emotional intelligence and effective communication aren’t just about talking, they encompass listening, understanding, and resolving conflicts constructively. It’s a two-way street. When communication breaks down, misunderstandings and resentment can accumulate and lead to the deterioration of relationships. Therefore, practicing nuance in communication is essential for longevity and happiness.
