Dads Get Depressed Too
Disclaimer. The author of this piece doesn’t have kids yet, so he’s relying on what the science says. If something here doesn’t ring true, please direct all hate mail to James Cook University and/or the Norwegian Institute of Public Health.
Note. Don’t do that, that’s awful. Seriously though, sorry if I say something silly here. Like everything Grannus publishes, this article is a sincere effort to collect and share some useful info in a digestible format.
The Worries of Fatherhood
Children change lives. Having kids is transformative and exciting. They make us see the world differently, and challenge us to be the best versions of ourselves.
They are also just unbelievably exhausting, and, especially for first-time parents, a major source of worry. It’s not like we get a lot of practice before we’re suddenly in charge of this new person’s well-being, and in addition to your kid’s actual needs, there’s a huge amount of social pressure to be the right kind of parent. The pressures on moms are pretty widely discussed (although that hasn’t done much to reduce them). We don’t talk much, though, about what’s demanded of dads.
And the fact is, dads do a lot for their kids. For one thing, fathers are getting more and more involved in childcare. For another, even in households with very traditional gender roles where moms do most of the hands-on baby wrangling, dads are still expected to act as providers, protect the family, maintain the home, and teach their children how to face the world with dignity and integrity.
That’s already much more than a full-time job, and we haven’t even gotten to the stress that being a parent can put on relationships, as two people are pushed past the bounds of exhaustion by sleepless nights and new problems to worry about.
Maybe, then, it isn’t terribly surprising that about 1 in 10 dads start showing symptoms of depression either during their partner’s pregnancy or shortly after their children are born. The big risk factors are pretty much what you’d expect: relationship stress, worries about parenting/stress caused by new parental responsibilities, financial pressure, unplanned pregnancy, lack of sleep. The biggest one is actually your partner also being depressed—that increases the risk for you about 3 times over.
(Note: this all applies equally to straight, gay, and queer couples—as far as the science is concerned, a dad is a dad, and we wholeheartedly agree.)
There’s a complicated web of cause and effect here, and the science can only take us so far in untangling it all. Every family is different, and every parent deals with stress, unhappiness, and exhaustion in their own way.
Here are a few things we know for sure:
- First, having the skills and tools to manage our own depression is an important part of protecting and providing. When fathers have more symptoms of depression—which include distraction, memory issues, irritability, and feeling unable to enjoy daily activities—both kids and partners suffer as a result.
- Second, there’s no real downside to taking antidepressants during pregnancy, for dads or moms. (Anti-anxiety meds are probably no-go, though. Ask your doc.)
- Third, and this is important: taking care of your mind health is part of being a dad. It isn’t about selfishness. You’re not putting yourself first. It’s just about staying healthy enough to set a positive example and be there in the way your kids and partner need.
Fourth—and this is the biggest thing I want to cover today—our own masculinity can be a big part of how we’re affected by fatherhood.
There’s a concept called Masculine Gender Role Stress, or MGRS, which is basically the feeling that we’ve failed as men when our lives don’t look the way we think they’re supposed to. Men tend to identify closely with our work; guys who are unemployed might feel MGRS. A lot of men feel that they’re supposed to be the breadwinners, so a successful partner can produce MGRS.
A few things are happening at once. Our expectations of fathers are shifting, but that doesn’t mean our expectations of masculinity are keeping up. More and more often, both members of a couple are working full-time, meaning that childcare has to be shared more equally.
So, a lot of men find themselves in a bind. They’re being asked both to be strong, resolute leaders of the household and emotional, empathetic caregivers who change diapers and stay home with the baby. That conflict makes it easy to feel like we’re doing something wrong, no matter what we do and no matter how hard we try. That’s MGRS, and it’s a massive risk for symptoms of depression. No human being wants to feel worthless.
Part of what makes this worth talking about is that dad depression is real, it’s common, and it’s often rooted in masculinity…and there’s often very little help available for men dealing with it. Resources for parents are focused overwhelmingly on mothers. There are good reasons for that, and in studies men are clear that they get it, and they agree. But that leaves dads facing the pressures of parenthood alone.
Here’s one father sharing his experiences:
“I think for me it’s just – the never having any time to relax, it’s just not possible. I’ve got a stressful job then I come home and I tend to get … the tired, stressed baby … I think the stress for me is just the non-stop-ness of it.”
And another:
“I felt guilty actually, guilty going back to work and leaving [my partner] with everything. …I was like, I’ve left them all day on their own. I don’t think that’s how she felt but that’s how I felt.”
A lot of new dads feel this way, it turns out. If any of this rings true, know that there are about a billion other guys out there facing the same problems. There’s nothing more masculine than doing your best for your partner and your kids, whatever that looks like.
